


Harm And Hatred

by GayHalfFish



Category: Magnus Chase and the Gods of Asgard - Rick Riordan
Genre: Additional Warnings Apply, Alex can be inconsiderate, Angst, Blood and Gore, Body Dysphoria, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Gender Dysphoria, Genderfluid Character, Guilt, I love Magnus okay??, Implied mental illness, Insomnia, Magnus Chase needs a hug, Other, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Slow Burn, Slurs, Trans Male Character, Transboy Magnus, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-24
Updated: 2017-03-06
Packaged: 2018-09-11 19:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,439
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9008827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GayHalfFish/pseuds/GayHalfFish
Summary: Magnus Chase can't seem to get the weight of the world off his shoulders, no matter what he does, he only seems to make things worse. He's pushing himself to the brink of insanity to become stronger. He couldn't let anybody else come to harm.
Alex Fierro can be an inconsiderate asshole, but she's trying. She knows something's up with Magnus Chase, but with his walls up how is she supposed to help him? At the rate he's going, he's going to self-destruct.





	1. Sleep Is For The Weak

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first published work of fanfiction and I hope that you all enjoy it!! There are some self-harm and transphobic slurs, so I apologize for that!   
> I am in no way transphobic myself as I am nonbinary, but I think we all love a little transboy Magnus and some good ol' angst!!  
> Enjoy~!

_ Magnus cried out, sprinting toward the hoard of fluorescent wolves surrounding his mother, Natalie. He could save her- he  _ would _ save her this time. Reaching for his pendant he froze, realizing that the rune was dutifully absent. Cursing, he continued to run, but the path grew longer and longer.  _ ‘You’ll never save her. A voice rang through his head. You’re weak, she died because of you.’  _ Magnus shook his head, ignoring the tears streaming down his cheeks. _

_ “MAGNUS! RUN!” Those were the last words he heard before the world spun around him, shrieks making his ears bleed. The next thing he knew, his mother’s screams turned into the cries of his uncle Randolph. The blond was suddenly aware of the sword of summer dripping with blood and his uncle clutching his wrist, handless. He staggered backward only to bump into a figure. Whipping around he held his sword in front of him, but it wasn't his sword, it was Skofnung. The weapon was embedded into his dear friend Blitzen, who was pale and bleeding out. Magnus dropped the sword, trying to get as far away as he could.  _ ‘Ragnarok will devour the gods and everyone you love, and it’s all your fault.’

_ Suddenly, he was falling. He couldn’t scream, he couldn’t grab anything, all he could do was brace for impact. _

* * *

 

Magnus shot up in his bed in a cold sweat, gasping for air. Sobs wracked his body and he held his head in his hands, finding it impossible to catch his breath. After what seemed to be an eternity, he calmed down enough to get out of bed. Knowing that going back to sleep would be impossible, he got dressed and headed down to a training room. He fought monsters until the sun had risen and sat lazily in the horizon.

_ ‘You’re weak.”  _ Slash.

_ ‘No one could ever love you.’ _ A severed head fell to his feet.

_ ‘You don’t deserve to be in Vallah, you don’t deserve to be an einherji.’  _ Blood splattered his face, whether it was his or the beast’s he was fighting, he wasn’t sure.

His muscles ached and begged for sleep, but he hardly noticed. Finally, after six hours of nonstop training, he collapsed to the ground. Panting, he wiped his face. Breakfast would start soon and he could really go for a warm shower and a coffee. Magnus pushed himself off the ground and trudged back to his room. He threw his sword and armor to the ground, pulling off his clothes and stepping into the shower. The warm water soothed his sore body, but the thoughts of guilt and anguish washed over him like water from the shower faucet. As he stepped out of the bath, he took note of the scratches and bruises he had received. It didn’t seem like enough. He grabbed a small knife from a drawer and dragged it across his wrist, not too deep to cause an infection, only enough to see little droplets of blood accumulate. Magnus stopped after five or ten minutes, washing the blade and bandaging his wrists. The son of Frey dried off and put his hair into a ponytail. Clad in a hoodie and some half-assedly placed band-aids, he joined his hallmates at their usual breakfast spot.

He sat next to his friend TJ, who had graciously saved him a meal and somehow gotten his hands on an espresso. Gods bless his soul. Mallory and Halfborn were arguing over what was more painful, salt or lemon juice in a wound. Magnus decided that he would not engage in that conversation and instead listened to his civil war companion talk about how the guns of today could never match his bayonet. Magnus sipped away at the bitter drink, all too aware of the girl across from him staring.

Alex wasn’t as oblivious as her hallmates, something was up with Magnus, but she would wait to see where this would go. She continued to observe him, which only seemed to agitate him further and proving her point. Finally, he snapped.

“What the fuck do you want!?” Magnus snarled at her. His friends quickly went silent, Magnus hardly ever swore so carelessly.

“Excuse me?!” Alex shot back, “Just who the hell do you think you’re talking to, Maggie?!”

Magnus growled, “Don’t call me Maggie!”

“Why,  _ Maggie _ ? What are you gonna do about it, _ Maggie _ ?” She taunted, a smirk spread on her face. Magnus slammed his fist on the table and shattered his mug of coffee. Standing up, he stormed away.

The table stayed silent as they all turned from Magnus to look at Alex. Said girl scoffed, “What’s his problem?” Mallory glared, “Really, Alex?” TJ awkwardly fiddled with his fork and cleared his throat. “Maybe you should go apologize.” Alex narrowed her eyes but felt the guilt pang in her nonetheless.

“Why should  _ I _ have to apologize? He’s the one who fucking snapped at me!” She stood up and left.

When she reached Magnus’s room, she reached for the door handle but decided against it. It wasn’t her fault or anything! She was only trying to help, he’s the one that blew up at her for no reason!!! SHE HADN’T EVEN SAID ANYTHING. She stomped away, successfully angering herself. Alex knew she should probably say something, and the guilt was slowly eating away at her. The daughter of Loki sighed, stood up, and walked back to her friend’s room.

* * *

Magnus took off his hoodie and stared at himself in the mirror. He was covered in cuts and bruises and his ribs hurt. He had been wearing his binder for way too long, but he didn’t care. He would  _ not _ go binderless. He hated his boobs, he hated his body. He threw his shoe at the mirror so hard it shattered. Magnus cursed at himself; he cursed himself for being trans, he cursed at himself for being weak, he cursed himself for being alive and praised as a hero. He was no hero. He was just a wannabe boy, just like his old “friends” used to call him.  _ He was just a tranny.  _ His time homeless had taught him many things, nothing good ever came out of “different”. He scooped up a handful of glass shards, squeezing them tightly into his palm. Ragnarok was on it way and he was still so weak. He had to train, he had to get stronger.


	2. What's Your Damage?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry that this chapter is short and late!

Alex stood rigid in from of Magnus’ door with her fist hovering inches away from the wood. She swallowed the prideful lump in her throat, feeling her armpits and palms go slick with anxiety. She let out a breath that she had forgotten that she was holding and  _ whammed _ her hand against the door until it swung open. A blank faced Magnus opened the door, hands in the pocket of his hoodie. 

“What do you want.” It was less of a question and more of a demand.

Alex quickly composed herself, clearing her throat. “T.J. wanted me to apologize.” Magnus stared at her in painful silence, she had yet to apologize. 

“So?” 

_ ‘Oh shit, right.’  _ “So… I’m sorry?” She bit the inside of her cheek, feeling less of a brave girl and more of a bashful boy. Magnus was terrifyingly beautiful when he was pissed. 

“Whatever, man…” Magnus pushed past him, fumbling with the rune around his neck. Alex wanted to be angry, but instead he felt guilty. While he had been rude and poking fun at Magnus when he was obviously upset, the blond was still aware and respective of his pronouns, which were forever in tourmoil. Alex punched the wall next to him in frustration with himself. Gods, he was so terrible at this whole comforting thing…

* * *

 

Magnus had wrapped his hand in gauze after an eternity of picking out shards of his reflection. Now that he was holding his sword, he regretted using his dominant hand to do such. He could have easily healed himself but had decided against it. He deserved the pain he had inflicted upon himself. Sitting on one of the many balconies in Vallah, he looked down on Manhattan. He wished Blitz or Hearth were here, they were practically his parents, they would know what to do… But no, Blitzen had almost died because of him, there was no way in Helheim he would want to see him. Magnus looked over the edge, it would be so easy to jump off. To end it all. No one needs a mediocre hero that couldn’t even save their own mother. 

The boy pulled his knees to his chest, letting go of his sword to hold himself. Jack sprung to life, hovering to the left of Magnus. “What?! What happened?! Did that cute shield call me back!?!” Magnus remained silent, gazing at the sun sinking in the horizon. “Hey… Kid, are you okay?” “Am I a bad person?” “What-” “I almost killed my uncle and my friends could have died because of me… am I a bad person?” Jack hummed awkwardly, “Uhh… n-no? You just need to train more…” The blond stood up, “I know.” He gripped the hilt, blood seeping through the bandages. He was weak, he was just a wannabe boy.

* * *

 

For the next few weeks, Magnus couldn’t sleep, couldn’t eat, all he could do was train. He avoided his friends as much as possible, they didn’t need him fucking everything up just because he was a sorry excuse for a demigod. At times, he would run into one of his hallmates, exchange small talk, then they would try to talk to him. They would try to get inside his head, just like Loki, just like the nightmares. Every time he would close his eyes to rest, even if for just a second, he would be reminded of his failures. He couldn’t escape them. So here Magnus was, at five in the morning, showering in ice water. It had once been boiling to the touch, but it had long since cooled. 

Finally stepping out, he stared at himself in the bathroom mirror. His arms and legs were covered in shallow cuts and dark bruises. Most self-inflicted. His ribs were a deep violet, splotches of yellow contrasting. Wounds from not removing his binder. His ribs had also begun to warp painfully, yet he put the restrictive material on once more. He cried out in pain as the binder settled into its spot. He looked at himself once more, this time with less disgust. With his breasts hidden, he found his reflection much more bearable. 

Magnus pulled on his hoodie and a pair of jeans, he still had about twenty minutes before anyone else would get up to start the day. Once he had laced up his shoes, he stood up, instantly feeling the world swirl around him. His legs buckled, but he somehow managed to keep standing. Taking a deep breath and leaning against the wall, he turned the knob, opening the door to an angry and concerned Alex. 

“Magnus. You look terrible.” She had her arms crossed. 

“And you’re still bitchy, what else is new?” He glared and tried to brush past, but she grabbed his arm. 

“Dude, what’s your deal?! We haven’t seen you in weeks!” Magnus pushed her away, only to have her slam him against the wall. His head swirled and his vision blurred. He heard the faint panicked calling of his name but the past weeks had taken its toll on him and he slipped into the realm of unconsciousness.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, sorry that this chapter is absolute garbage


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe Alex is fucking dead.

Alex shook the unconscious boy in her arms, panicking. She hadn’t meant to be so rough, but Magnus was being unbearable! How was she supposed to know he would collapse?! 

“Shit, Maggie, sitting with an unresponsive body in the middle of a hallway isn't suspicious at all~!” To Alex’s surprise she was able to pick up the son of Frey with ease. He practically weighed nothing at all!! She surveyed the hallway to make sure no one would accuse her of kidnapping, and took in a large gulp of air. After making sure the coast was cleared, she booked it to her room, slamming and locking the door. She breathed a sigh of relief and put Magnus on her bed. She sat next to him brushing her fingers through his hair, a faint wheezing breaking the silence. Alex leaned her ear near his nose and listened to the struggle Magnus was going through. The girl, lifted his shirt to see what was wrong. The problem stood out like a sore thumb. His binder had warped his ribs and bruised him severely, even if they were in Vallah, she wasn’t sure he could fully recover. Alex knew was she had to do. She grabbed her scissors and killed him.

* * *

 

Magnus woke up in a cold sweat, panting. At the sound of something shattering, he ripped off his pedant, pointing it in the direction the sound came from. Alex stood still with the tip of his blade at his neck and broken pottery on the floor. “Well good morning to you too.” Magnus lowered his sword and attempted to catch his breath. His chest still hurt but there was no excess pressure, this brought panic. 

“W-where’s my binder?!” He looked at Alex in confusion and fear. “Where am I?” Alex wiped her hands on the front of his apron, trying to bury the guilt he felt. “In the wash, it smelled terrible. And you’re in my room. You were in pretty shitty shape so I took it off.” “Why? So you could make even more fun of me since I’m just a little girl?” Magnus surprised himself with the amount of venom in his own voice. Alex furrowed his brows, “No, because your ribs were warped and you were seriously beat up! We haven’t seen you in WEEKS! What have you been doing?? You were covered in cuts and bruises, some of which seemed to be self inflicted. And if you own a binder, a smart boy like you should fucking know not to train in it! I had to kill you to reverse some of the damage you did to yourself, so fucking try to tell me again that I only want to bully you!”

The two stewed in uncomfortable silence as Magnus looked at his hands in shame. “I’m sorry…” Alex sighed and sat on the bed next to him. “Look, I know how hard dysphoria can be, but you shouldn't take it out on yourself or your friends. TJ is seriously worried and… and so was I. I didn’t mean to tease you, okay?” Magnus still wouldn’t speak. He wiped tears from his eyes and tried to cry as quietly as he could. Alex didn’t know what to do, “Don’t cry!! Goddammit, I’m no good at this!” He held his head in his hands. There was a lot wrong with Magnus and he felt as if he hadn’t even scratched the surface. He wracked her brain, what would Sammariah do?

Magnus froze as he felt arms wrap around him and pull him close. He let out a strangled sob and buried his head into Alex’s chest. They stayed like that for a while, Alex holding him, Magnus sobbing his heart out.

* * *

 

Eventually the cries and hiccups subsided, leaving Magnus to catch his breath while wiping away tear stains. At some point, the pair had moved to a spooning position on the bed, neither of which knew exactly when. Magnus still had his arms wrapped around Alex’s waist and Alex continued to brush threw his golden locks. Dinner had long since came and went but the two made had no thoughts of moving any time soon.

“H-hey… Alex?” Magnus’s hoarse voice broke the silence as he sat up. Sniffling he gave a weak smile. 

_ ‘God this boy is going to send me into cardiac arrest!’  _ He thought. “Y-yeah sunshine?”

“Can I kiss you?” 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was overdue so I'm terribly sorry if it feels rushed. It's been busy lately, but I'll try to update more consistently???


	4. What the Hel

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wow, edgy much???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yo dudes, if you want to see this fic end in certain way, lemme know! I'm totally open to suggestions and criticism! I want to provide stories that you want to read!!

_ ‘Can I kiss you?’ _ The words rang through Alex’s mind, sending a shock to his system. A kiss? A form of affection most commonly exchanged between those in a  _ relationship _ of some kind?  _ ‘Play it cool, Fierro, make him work for it.’ _

“Y-yes.” His voice cracked and his face felt red hot.  _ “WELL I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY BECAUSE WE FUCKING BLEW IT!! WE CAME OFF AS DESPERATE! NOW HE’LL NEV-’  _ Alex’s thoughts were cut short by chapped lips him pecking his. He froze, mind blank as he processed what just happened. Magnus began to panic at the lack of response. “I-I’m sorry! Did I read that wrong!? Look Alex, I’m so so sor-” Now it was Alex’s turn to interrupt Magnus. 

He tackled him in a kiss, wrapping his arms tightly around his waist. Magnus flushed pink but closed his eyes to relish the moment. Alex had his lips pressed hard against the blond’s. The kiss was sloppy, inexperienced, but that didn’t stop Magnus from savoring every moment. He tangled his fingers in the other boy’s hair, causing him to yelp and giving Magnus access to the rest of his mouth. As he deepened the kiss Alex had to break away, panting. He was bright red with a string of saliva dripping down his chin. Magnus sat across from him with a sheepish expression, “S-so….” The son of Loki wiped his face, a crooked grin breaking his composure. “Well Hel, Maggie. Where’d you learn that?” Magnus visibly relaxed, letting out a small laugh. “Stop calling me Maggie and maybe I’ll tell you!.”

A deep throb rang through his ribs and Magnus grimaced, arm automatically wrapping around himself.  _ Fuck that hurt _ . As Alex placed a tentative hand on his back, he released a sigh. 

“I’m fine,” he managed to weakly smile, “just a little tired…” 

Alex knew it was more than that, but she held her tongue. Oh great, now we’re back to she. Being genderfluid was an inconvenience but she loved it anyway. Moving on, she held Magnus’ hand, rubbing her thumb across his knuckles.

“You… Y-you could sleep here tonight?” It had come out as more of a question than an offer. 

“That would help.” Magnus slowly relaxed himself, grateful he would not have to make the trek back to his room. Alex ran a soothing hand through his hair, enjoying the comfortable silence. She was worried for her blond friend, but knew if she interrogated him he would push her away. So there she sat, and sat, and sat, watching her (yet to be labeled) friend sleep.

* * *

 

Then there was thrashing. It had started as slight movements of the hands and feet, then small kicks, now he was clutching at the sheets, tears streaking down his face. 

“ _ MAMA!!”  _ He sobbed out. Alex grabbed his wrists, trying to stop him from hurting himself. 

“Magnus! Wake up!! You’re fine!!” He became more agitated, yet stirred slighting. 

“LET ME GO! LET ME GO! SHE’S IN TROUBLE!” His eyes were screwed shut as he shrieked and fought. Luckily Alex was much stronger and able to pull him into the safety of her arms.

“Magnus, wake up!! You’re safe, no one is in danger!” Finally he relented, falling into harsh sobs and heavy breathing. 

“I’m n-never fast en-nough to save h-her,” Alex’s sweater was soaked by the water of his tears, but she hardly noticed. “I have to train, I’m- I don’t- I’m tired of being t-the damsel in distress…” Alex found herself caught off guard by just how tortured Magnus was. He always seemed to be made of light, an untouchable joy. Yet here he was, bearing his very soul in a moment of weakness. 

“Magnus… I’m sorry, I had no idea…” She didn’t know what to say, what  _ could _ she say?!

Magnus let out a dry laugh, “It’s nothing, I’m sorry for imposing.” He pushed himself out of Alex’s arms and made his way to the door. “Sorry.” And before Alex could say anything, he left.

* * *

 

Alex found herself reeling over their interactions in the past twenty-four hours. She had killed Magnus, Magnus is trans, she had kissed Magnus, Magnus is trans, she had comforted Magnus, MAGNUS IS TRANS. Magnus is trans like her!! She wasn’t sure why, but the revelation made her shake with excitement. She wasn’t alone. But Magnus was hurting so terribly. How long had he been having these nightmares? Was that why he was training himself to death? Would he let her back in? Alex knew she should rest for tomorrow’s battle, however she was beyond restless. She would have to get him to open up again, he couldn’t keep bottling things up. If he kept going about the way he was, he would get himself killed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Also, if you have any one shot ideas that you would like to see me write, hit me up!! ;)


End file.
